In one of the multitude of brilliant episodes of that timeless show, Sex and the City, entitled “Ex and the City,” Carrie and the ladies grapple with one of the many awkward issues that arise post-breakup: How to proceed with your “relationship” with your ex after the relationship ends.
Carrie, ever the romantic, has sincere hopes of forming a friendship with Mr. Big (of course, that’s before she finds out he’s engaged to a 20-something model after dating her for 6 months). But Miranda’s words always stuck with me:
“I would love to be one of those people who’s all ‘We loved, thank you. You enriched my life. Now, go prosper.’ But, I’m much more, “We didn’t work out. You need to not exist.”
Through the serious relationships in my life, I’ve learned that one’s opinion on this conundrum is generally situational. I had those cheesy “We loved, go prosper” movie-style breakups with some. Others, not so much. However, what I do know is that that, thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumbler, etc., we don’t necessarily have a choice in the matter.
Sure, you can choose whether or not to be “friends” with your ex. You can even choose whether or not you want to be “Facebook Friends” or follow them on Twitter and Instagram. But, inevitably, whether you make the conscious decision to take these actions, you’ll always make the sub-conscious decision to cyberstalk him. Seriously, you will. Don’t deny it.
We all know you can still see a lot even when you “defriend” him. And, thankfully, most Twitter accounts and Instagram accounts aren’t private. Oh, and even better, there’s always his new girlfriend’s Twitter account… But, you would never do that right?
So,I decided that this time around I was going to be above all this cyberstalking nonsense. As I started piecing my life together post-breakup in my little hotel room, instead of making plans with UPS to ship all my stuff, the very first thing I did was grab my little computer and deactivate my Facebook account.
I figured I’d get back on the Book eventually, but in the meantime, there was an entire record of our relationship just sitting out in cyberspace, and I didn’t want to deal with it. Then, there were the 20 close friends of his that are now my friends on Facebook too. Plus, while I only wished the best for Mr. X, I didn’t see the point of checking in every other day to see if “the best” was working out for him. Ignorance is bliss, my friends.
After I pushed “Deactivate” I felt very empowered for lack of a better word.
The next day, I proudly mentioned to a friend that I had deactivated. She laughed and told me how she and her sisters always assume a girl has broken up with her significant other when she deactivates from Facebook.
And, just like that. I realized that I might be THAT girl. You know, the girl that deactivates from Facebook after going through a rough breakup. I knew that people could judge me on Facebook, but it never occurred to me that I could be judged for NOT being on Facebook.
(Source)
Sigh. For some reason, it hadn’t crossed my mind that I might not be the only woman with this brilliant idea.
So I started asking around. I spoke to another friend about it the other night and he told me, “You’re letting him win. You’re depriving yourself of Facebook because of him.” Someone else indicated to me that my grievous action of deactivation clearly indicates that I want him back. Then I asked someone else and she said, “Oh, I understand. It’s probably really hard for you to see all those engagements, babies, etc.”
And, all of a sudden, I felt a little defensive!
It felt like moving to Omaha offered such a fortunate opportunity for a nice, clean break. Why mess it up by logging into Facebook every day on my phone, computer, iPad, waiting 20 minutes and then finally giving into the incessant urge to cyberstalk? I can assure you this whole cybertstalking deal has nothing to do with lingering feelings – it’s strictly a curiosity thing, and if you give in once, the flood gates open…
You tell yourself, “I’ll just click on his profile – it’s totally harmless.” Then, you find something suspect that a woman wrote on his wall, and all of a sudden, you’re on the hunt! You check his friends’ pages. You check the woman’s page. You find the woman’s Instagram account. Oh wow, she’s a successful lawyer who graduated from Harvard! She’s so pretty too… And, before you know it, you’ve wasted three hours of your life…
The above hypothetical situation is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
I wanted to focus on moving my life forward, without worrying about him or any outside perception. And I must say, I have been enjoying this month away from Facebook. I haven’t missed scrolling through my newsfeed every morning to see if anything exciting happened overnight or catch the latest viral video. I haven’t missed posting some random picture and then checking in every few minutes to see how many people “Liked” my photo (come on, you do it too, just admit it). I haven’t missed scrutinizing every new tagged photo to make sure I look decent enough for all of Facebook to see or wordsmithing a status update to make sure it is both peppy and hilarious at the same time.
I have, however, missed a few things. First off, I actually really enjoy “being in the know” about my friends and acquaintances. Often times, the first place people share their good news these days is Facebook. Also, I don’t know about you, but generally I have a few “Facebook Friends” that I barely know, yet I find their lives so fascinating. There’s the girl who went to high school with me and Friended me a few years ago. I barely knew who she was back then, but her very public breakup just lured me in, and now I’m addicted to her updates. It’s like a soap opera – when will she meet the one? I certainly hope it’s not during my hiatus from Facebook! And finally, since I just left New York, of course I miss my friends back there. Facebook is the easiest way for me to stay connected with them.
Let’s just break this down quickly:
1. Missing out on Good News – All of my friends are on Facebook. They can alert me if something incredibly amazing happens to someone I actually care about, and even when amazing things happen to people I don’t really care about!
2. Cyberstalking Interesting People – I’m still on Twitter, Instagram etc. for the ol’ blog. Plenty of interesting people to admire from afar on these platforms.
3. Keeping in Touch with New York Friends – I’ve just worked a little harder to keep in touch like actually picking up the phone to call them. It’s exhausting, but I think I can manage.
I’ve never understood the people who insist they don’t care what anybody thinks. In my opinion, we all care in some capacity. Clearly, I care a decent amount, since I just wrote 1000 words to prove to you all that my reasons for deactivating were both intelligent and legitimate.
But ultimately, here’s what I’ve realized: At some point, you have to care a little less. It’s impossible to avoid being judged, and it’s even more impossible not to care at all. For me however, being open and honest about my situation, not just on the blog, but also to the people I’ve run into in Omaha, has sort of “freed” me from caring so much about what others think.
Eventually, I’m going to get back on Facebook, but with my life in a bit of a “limbo stage,” it’s one less complication. I’m not wasting my time cyberstalking or shaping my image for the public Facebook eye. “Perception is reality” and social media has given new meaning to this overused phrase. We can all use a little break from that kind of pressure every now and then.
So, in the meantime, if you want to see what I’m up to, feel free to follow me on Instagram, Twitter or Pinterest. If you’re judging me for deactivating from Facebook AND writing this long post about it, I get it. I probably would too…
And if you’re in the same situation as me, just remember:
And since that’s the case…
YOUR TURN:
Facebook – ever deactivated? Are you totally judging me right now?
How do you feel about the pressure to maintain a “persona” on social media these days?
Oh girl! I know what you are talking about!! I deactivated after my last breakup 🙂 I just got back on recently, but like you, I felt refreshed 🙂 I just wasn’t in the mood to appear all sunshine-y and cheerful/fake on Facebook. And I certainly wasn’t about to be the girl that actually posts about her breakup on Facebook!
Don’t worry. I’m not judging you
Glad to see I’m not the only one! And yes to not posting about your breakup on Facebook. Why do people do that? Seriously? Why?
Amen! I too deactiviated a few months ago after a breakup of sorts. I knew I would endlessly stalk if I didn’t. How in this day and age are we supposed to get over someone when their life is being flashed in our face? And honestly after about a week of getting out of the habit of checking it every time I was bored I didn’t even miss it. I’m now back on the Book, but only check it 3-4x/week. Don’t let anyone judge you for deactivating, because let’s be honest Facebook is kind of a life sucking website; everyone could use a FB vacation even if it isn’t breakup induced.
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haha my feelings exactly. Sometime ya just gotta go cold turkey. There is such a thing as a Facebook Addiction, you know? I’ll probably get back on too, but I agree with you – it’s good to take a break after something like this.
Thanks for the comment 🙂
hahahaha I just sent your post to my friend – she is going through the same thing right now, and I think this will make her laugh.
I do feel a certain amount of pressure to make my life seem perfect on Facebook, but then I don’t want it to seem horrible either. It’s such a balance! Love this post.
I hope this will make your friend laugh – sometimes the best thing to do in these awkward situations is a laugh a bit 🙂 Thanks for reading!
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